Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
