You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
