i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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