I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
only you would photoshop your dick
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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