I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.