so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
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she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."