I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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