You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
