he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
