I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
