omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
