I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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