He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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