I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
