He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
