She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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