I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
