Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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