my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We have started to decorate penises.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
