Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
