I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
