I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
