Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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