at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
