he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
