My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
