No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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