I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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