i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
