everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Be still, my beating vagina.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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