I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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