she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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