So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
