Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
