you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
