I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
