someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
