dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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