between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
