I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
