dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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