I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
