2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
