So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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