mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
