my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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