the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
