On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I understand Curling. That high.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
