You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
