i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
