It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
