On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
