there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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