Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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