i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
