Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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