I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
